ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
