Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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