Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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