I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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