Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
