I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I didn't notice because vodka
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I know her cup size but not her name....
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