Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
