i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Randomize
