if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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