you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
