My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
