If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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