went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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