my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
