Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
