youre lurking in front of me
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
