My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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