I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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