Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize