my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
