after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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