Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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