dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
