My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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