I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
