our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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