so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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