Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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