wrigley field is MILF paradise
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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