4 words: hood of his car
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize