i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
They took my balls.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
