Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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