Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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