Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
