He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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