Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
