I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
