I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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