So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I need a burrito and a hug.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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