I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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