i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
