So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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