remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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