Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
and you fell through a lawn chair
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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