I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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