If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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