Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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