The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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