Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
