My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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