well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
