Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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