i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
