where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
