ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
